The (Incomplete) Guide to Looking Stupid when On Live Television

* All instances, bloopers and mishaps mentioned in this guide are factual. Any resemblance to instances, bloopers and mishaps that you might have made in your career as an anchor or reporter are probabely intentional.


For Anchors in the studio

• Start the bulletin with a smile and a "Good Morning!". Then realise it is 7 in the evening. Stumble. Say "Sorry. Good Afternoon." Oops! " Actually Good Evening and welcome!"
• Start giggling the minute the camera cuts to you. Continue as the poor director is forced to play a story to take you off air and out of your misrey.
• Mispronounce proper names. Its Patil, not Patel. (R R, Pratibha etc)
  
• Lean back in your chair, look at the camera with a smirk and say "We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties right now. We will take a break and be back with you shortly. Ok I am being told that we cant take a break either. Ok." Really!!!
  
• Finish each and every story link with a wide toothed grin. No matter what you just said.
• Do not read your links before you read them live on air. Saying "Who wrote that there was something wrong with it" to me later does not absolve you.
• Start all your questions with "If you can hear me". Specially if the person on the other end is nodding furiously .

For Reporters on the field

• Call the anchor by the wrong name. Better results if the concerned name is that of someone who quit and does not work for the channel any more, but has moved on to a rival channel! Best results when the concerned anchor takes offence and pointedly corrects you on air!
• Dig your nose when on standby before going live. And then suddenly realise you are being asked a question and half the nation was watching. Why dig your nose when in front of a camera anyways?
• During a live interaction when on the field, push your ear piece deep into your ear with your finger in order to hear the question directed to you. Then keep needlessly holding it through the entire duration of your own answer. Its true, a person never looks more credible than when talking with their index finger poking into their ear.
• When holding a mike and asking questions to random people, thrust the mike into their faces and as far away from you as possible, and then speak. Spare the audience the agony of the audio of your inane question.
• Start your answer with "I could not hear your question very clearly but let me tell you....."
  

Khallas!

Got a cryptic email from my boss a few days back. "Please see me in my office before you leave".

OK... I spent my entire shift trying to think of what she wanted to talk to me about. By the time my shift ended, I had narrowed it down to 3 possibilities.

1. I have messed up BIG time. Television channels have one widely held beleif : little incidents keep on happening in big channels. Bobby turns Booby, Virginia is called Vagina, entire wrong episodes go on air. Ergo... Bade bade channels main aise chotti chotti batten hoti rehti hain! If people were sacked for such mistakes, really there would be noone left! So whatever I did, it has to have been BIG.

2. I am been given an out of turn increment! Yes! That must be it! Forget recession and mass lay offs. There are new channels opening, which means people are being poached left right and centre. In a bid to keep me, undoubtably one of their sharpest and brightest, they are going to offer me a pay hike, desig change, and a car! May be they will offer me the company shares as well, but I think that wont be wise considering prices are falling. Maybe I will ask them for more cash instead. Hmmmm...

3. I am going to be offered a new show to work on. Oh no! New show = a whole lot of hard work! Not nice...Unless it is a youth oriented "funky" show, involving lots of travel and fun shoots, and lots of fun generally!

Bang.

6:24 pm .
Me: Errr... I just saw a news flash on a hindi channel. Bomb blast in karol bagh. Should'nt we call one of our reporters or something?

Editorial person: No response. Dazed blank look.
IS SHE ON DRUGS????

Anchor:
(To me) Hindi channels carry this stuff all the time. Must be a car backfiring or something.
(On air) And its time for a short break. Stay tuned for our special report on blah blah.

Me :
(To myself) What do I care. I am about to go home in a couple of minutes anyways. Its Saturday night yippie!!!

6:28 pm.
Senior editorial person comes running in.
What are you guys doing??? There has been a bomb blast in Karol Bagh! Every single channel is on it. And we are on a BREAK???

Formerly comatose editorial person: Errr...
Anchor: Errrr....
Me: Errr....

4 hours and 5 bomb blasts later. I am still at work.
Just another Saturday night. Just another city. Just another 30 dead.

Snippets

Anchor rushes in to the studio barely 30 seconds before we go live.
Frantic miking up.
She: Ok I have just had a major nose bleed attack. I must have bled gallons.
Me: Ewwww.
(Imagining blood spewing out Kill Bill style, all over camera lens and onto television viewers the world over)
Errr... And it can happen again?? On air, I mean ???
She: Dont Worry.
Smiles.
Five Four Three Two One.
Tips Head Back.
Headlines.
Me: (Screaming out to shaking semi-new production sidey) YOU. Tissue papers. As many as you can find. Where from? Thats your problem!
She scrams.
This job is such a power trip sometimes. Sigh.

work.

Grandma called yesterday.
"Have you seen what all the news channels are saying? The world is coming to an end tomorrow. At noon. Something about black holes"
"What???? Black holes at noon?? Damn. Not on my shift!"

I am a studio director in a news channel. And in a country where the pan wala seems to own the local news channel , I work with the "leading international english news channel". Very professional and all.
So any hint of an important news development usually means utter chaos, lots of screaming by editorial, accomanied by complete indecisiveness as snap decisions are called for, but unfortunately can only be made after looking at what the competition is upto.

Take a lazy Sunday afternoon at work. We are rolling bulletin after identical bulletin, taking it easy, lounging about. I am starting to feel I can do this with my eyes shut.
Suddenly someone somewhere sees that Blah TV has cut to a press conference by a Nobody on a Nothing. Obviously noone in the entire office had any clue about this presser until Blah TV got on it.
"CUT TO IT!!! NOW!!!" Much screaming shouting and ranting ensues, while phones ring off the hook. We all wake up.

Meanwhile Nobody is droning on and on. Being a creative production types, I feel that anyone stupid enough to watch this shit on a Sunday afternoon instead of getting brain dead drunk with friends should get to look at more than just his deplorable mug.
"Maybe we should put some nice relevant pictures in a box to liven things up??" I suggest timidly to the editorial person behind me.
"NO" she barks back.
I quitely slink into my chair (Thats right. The "director's" chair).
The phone rings. The editorial boss. As soon as she picks up, editorial starts screaming "Take pictures. Now!. What are you waiting for??? I have been asking them to take pictures for the longest time. Production never listens!"
Huh???
Thats right. I look at Blah TV, they have the guy with pictures in a box. How can we possibly not??

And you thought we actually cared about getting you the news now, did you not? Aw, you poor baby! Welcome to the world of Indian Television.