The (Incomplete) Guide to Looking Stupid when On Live Television

* All instances, bloopers and mishaps mentioned in this guide are factual. Any resemblance to instances, bloopers and mishaps that you might have made in your career as an anchor or reporter are probabely intentional.


For Anchors in the studio

• Start the bulletin with a smile and a "Good Morning!". Then realise it is 7 in the evening. Stumble. Say "Sorry. Good Afternoon." Oops! " Actually Good Evening and welcome!"
• Start giggling the minute the camera cuts to you. Continue as the poor director is forced to play a story to take you off air and out of your misrey.
• Mispronounce proper names. Its Patil, not Patel. (R R, Pratibha etc)
  
• Lean back in your chair, look at the camera with a smirk and say "We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties right now. We will take a break and be back with you shortly. Ok I am being told that we cant take a break either. Ok." Really!!!
  
• Finish each and every story link with a wide toothed grin. No matter what you just said.
• Do not read your links before you read them live on air. Saying "Who wrote that there was something wrong with it" to me later does not absolve you.
• Start all your questions with "If you can hear me". Specially if the person on the other end is nodding furiously .

For Reporters on the field

• Call the anchor by the wrong name. Better results if the concerned name is that of someone who quit and does not work for the channel any more, but has moved on to a rival channel! Best results when the concerned anchor takes offence and pointedly corrects you on air!
• Dig your nose when on standby before going live. And then suddenly realise you are being asked a question and half the nation was watching. Why dig your nose when in front of a camera anyways?
• During a live interaction when on the field, push your ear piece deep into your ear with your finger in order to hear the question directed to you. Then keep needlessly holding it through the entire duration of your own answer. Its true, a person never looks more credible than when talking with their index finger poking into their ear.
• When holding a mike and asking questions to random people, thrust the mike into their faces and as far away from you as possible, and then speak. Spare the audience the agony of the audio of your inane question.
• Start your answer with "I could not hear your question very clearly but let me tell you....."
  

Khallas!

Got a cryptic email from my boss a few days back. "Please see me in my office before you leave".

OK... I spent my entire shift trying to think of what she wanted to talk to me about. By the time my shift ended, I had narrowed it down to 3 possibilities.

1. I have messed up BIG time. Television channels have one widely held beleif : little incidents keep on happening in big channels. Bobby turns Booby, Virginia is called Vagina, entire wrong episodes go on air. Ergo... Bade bade channels main aise chotti chotti batten hoti rehti hain! If people were sacked for such mistakes, really there would be noone left! So whatever I did, it has to have been BIG.

2. I am been given an out of turn increment! Yes! That must be it! Forget recession and mass lay offs. There are new channels opening, which means people are being poached left right and centre. In a bid to keep me, undoubtably one of their sharpest and brightest, they are going to offer me a pay hike, desig change, and a car! May be they will offer me the company shares as well, but I think that wont be wise considering prices are falling. Maybe I will ask them for more cash instead. Hmmmm...

3. I am going to be offered a new show to work on. Oh no! New show = a whole lot of hard work! Not nice...Unless it is a youth oriented "funky" show, involving lots of travel and fun shoots, and lots of fun generally!